If you have trouble accepting a compliment…
but also really need external validation right now… this is for you
July 15, 2024
To be perfectly honest with you - I used to suck at receiving compliments and at the same time, I also desperately needed them…
Compliments and positive feedback were so hard to hear, let alone accept and internalize. Instead of boosting self-esteem, it was typically accompanied by a little tiny voice that made me feel like a fake or remind me of my (perceived) shortcomings.
I’d respond by saying ‘oh it’s nothing’ or ‘it’s not that great’ ‘I could do better’, or ‘ya, but’
Learning to believe in yourself and transforming external validation into genuine self-belief is possible.
Here’s how I learned to say ‘fuck yes I am/yes I did’’ to positive feedback/compliments:
Understand Where it’s Coming from…
Before diving into the blocks that build self-belief, do these feel familiar?:
- Feeling like a fake at work: You’re really good at your job, but a small voice inside questions your abilities… are you actually that good?
- Struggling with self-worth: You know you have value but lack the confidence to show it. There’s no risk of failing if you don't actually go for it.. right?!
- Fear of being a phoney: You worry that others will see through your mask. They’ll finally see what a fraud you’ve been all this time
- Being really hard on yourself: You’re your worst critic, often doubting your achievements or not even acknowledging them in the first place.
- Wanting more for yourself: You want growth but feel stuck in a slump that feels impossible to get out of.
These are common discussions and comments I hear from the women I work with. And I wish that we would all talk about them more so we’d feel less alone. We internalise so much, afraid that if we shared how we feel, it would perpetuate our (perceived) weakness.
Awareness and acknowledging them is the first step toward overcoming them.
Building Unshakeable Self-Belief - here’s how to start
You have to start acknowledging your achievements
- Make a regular habit of reflecting on your successes.. Make a list of your accomplishments, no matter how small. Seeing all that you’ve done on paper can help you recognize your worth. This might feel slow at first, so commit at least 15 minutes to this practice and watch how these little successes start flowing!
- Celebrate Wins… Give yourself permission to celebrate achievements. We tend to shrink when it comes to celebrating, thinking that it’s boasting, bragging, or taking up space.
Fuck. That.
You got out of bed today? CELEBRATE.
You did breath work instead of drinking through stress? CELEBRATE!
Learn to say thank you and start accepting compliments with grace….
- Say Thank You: When someone compliments you, resist the urge to downplay it. Simply say, "Thank you."
- Write down/save, the compliments you receive. Revisit them when you’re feeling doubtful. I have an accolades folder with all the feedback I’ve received from my family, friends, and clients that I read through when I start to doubt that I’m anything but the amazing things they’ve told me, the transformations I’ve created for them, or the inspiration/motivation I provide to them.
Stop shit talking yourself!
- PLEASE Be Kind to Yourself! Even the little admonishments (like if you drop something and you call yourself stupid for dropping it…. ), are little seeds of doubt that get planted in your brain…. this is not the kind of garden we’re growing! Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend.
For added impact, look yourself straight in the mirror and remind yourself (out loud) of what a loving, beautiful, and capable human being you are!
Five years ago, I would look at myself in the mirror, often exhausted, totally depressed, and speak terrible things to myself.
‘I hate you’
‘You’re so ugly’
‘You’re good for nothing’.
Now, when I look in the mirror, there is so much pride, love, admiration for the woman in the reflection. This is my core belief now.
Visualise Your Success…
Two things to be said here…
You’ve probably not given yourself a real opportunity to sit down and think about what you want or how you want to feel in your life. You’re likely at the point where you know that you just dont want to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or stuck anymore. This is typically tied to you making sure everything and everyone else is good and taken care of.. It’s time to put some focus and attention on what you want. Start thinking about how great you want to feel so that we can then make that happen.
Give your brain a chance to see what you want in your life so that it can create the opportunities for you to go and get it! Create a vision board! Be old school and cut out pictures/words from magazines, or use pinterest to visualise your goals and what achieving them looks like. Whatever will inspire self-belief.
Then make time for a few minutes each day looking at them and imagining when you’ve achieved them, feeling confident and awesome!
Surround yourself with positivity…
I can't stress how important it is to surround yourself with good people. People who are positive and who challenge you to be better. With people who have the same (healthy) habits you want to have. Who will uplift and encourage you. Find a community or a group that shares your interests and values, providing a sense of belonging and support.
This might mean you need to make some difficult decisions in your life about those who are currently part of your world, how they contribute to your belief system, confidence, and growth journey.
You need to take care of your self
How we show up for ourselves is critical. And I’m not just talking about getting your nails done. You need to take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, and energetically. Each of these greatly influences how (well, or not) we react and relate. Create rituals in your life that restore and energize you and make everything, even the hard days, easier to deal with.
Believing in yourself requires patience and persistence. By acknowledging your pain points, learning to accept compliments, and nurturing positive self-talk, you can take external validation and turn it into genuine self-belief.
The goal is to not just hear the compliments but to truly believe them and let them shape your self-perception.
In case no one has told you yet today…
I think you’re really great! I think that by you taking the time to read this blog, shows me that you want more goodness/ease and less overwhelm/stress in your life.
AND YOU FUCKING DESERVE THAT!
Breathe it in, Be Deliberate, and please be good to yourself!
Chelsea
aka The Deliberate One
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