When Losing Feels Like Failing:
Handling Big Emotions (Without Exploding Ourselves)
February 17, 2025
I know what unchecked anger looks like.
I grew up watching it explode—holes punched in walls, wrenches flying when things went wrong.
Losing meant failure. And failure wasn’t an option.
So when anger came, it wasn’t just frustration. It was a full-body reaction. Yelling. Hitting things. Smashing my fists into fence boards. I carried that explosive behaviour with me up until the last few years to be honest. And it still rears its ugly head.
It’s no surprise that when I won an amateur boxing fight, I never wanted to fight again—because losing would have been unbearable.
So when I watched a young hockey goalie (12 or 13 years old) have a complete meltdown last week—slamming their helmeted head into the crossbar, kicking the air, yelling at themselves—I felt that.
I could see it: the feeling of being out of control, of being the reason your team is losing, of wanting to be anywhere but in the middle of that moment, on display in the middle of a rink for everyone to see.
And I thought… where do they go from here? Who is helping them understand this feeling? Because I know what happens when no one does.
We’re taught to Win, But Not How to Lose
Sports teach discipline, teamwork, and resilience. But most of us were never taught how to handle what happens when things don’t go our way. When we’re losing, when we make a mistake, when our best isn’t enough.
We tell kids to "shake it off" or "toughen up," but we don’t actually teach them how to regulate those massive emotions.
And let’s be honest—most parents struggle with this, too.
I see it in the stands. The dads flipping out when a ref makes a bad call. The moms crossing their arms, biting their lips when their kid misses a shot. The parents who yell at their kids post-game, because they don’t know what to do with their own disappointment.
And that’s the cycle: if we never learned how to process losing, how do we expect the kids to?
Anger Is More Than Just Anger—And It’s Making Us Sick
Something most people don’t realize: anger is a secondary emotion.
That goalie last week? Their meltdown wasn’t just about the game. It was about what losing meant to them. Embarrassment. Shame. Feeling like they let their team, their parents, or themselves down.
Because anger often isn’t about the thing we’re reacting to. It’s about the fear of losing control—over how we’re seen, how we perform, or whether we’re "good enough."
And this is especially complicated for women.
Women’s Anger is Perceived Differently
When men get angry, they’re seen as passionate or competitive. When women get angry? We’re called hysterical. Emotional. Too much.
And often, we don’t even express anger in ways people expect. We cry when we’re furious. We shut down. We internalize it because we’ve been taught that expressing it makes us "dramatic."
But anger that isn’t processed doesn’t disappear. It gets stored in the body. It turns into stress, muscle tension, chronic illness, and resentment. It sneaks into parenting, relationships, health.
So if we want to break this cycle for the kids, we have to start by recognizing our own patterns.
The Cost of Ignoring These Emotions
That goalie last week? They might remember that moment forever.
Not just the loss—but the meltdown. The shame of it. The way they felt completely out of control.
And if they don’t learn how to process it, here’s what happens:
They start dreading games—not because they don’t love hockey, but because they fear losing and how they’ll react.
They tie their entire self-worth to performance, thinking that a bad game = I’m not good enough.
They develop unhealthy coping mechanisms—bottling it up until they explode, quitting altogether, or finding ways to numb frustration.
And that’s before we even talk about what happens when this carries into adulthood. The frustration at work, the anger in relationships, the stress that builds because no one ever taught them what to do with these big emotions.
It Starts With Us
If we want the kids, the next generations to handle loss better, we have to model it for them.
I watch my best friend do this with her kids, especially her two-year-old. Instead of reacting immediately when emotions rise, she breathes. She removes herself from the situation when possible to give herself space. She teaches them that frustration isn’t something to fear—it’s something to work with.
When we regulate ourselves, we change the game.
✔️ We teach our kids that emotions aren’t the enemy—but they need to be understood.
✔️ We show them that losing is an opportunity, not a defining moment of failure.
✔️ We lead with calm, and in doing so, we shift the energy of the entire household (or team, or relationship). I cant stress how much this impacts every area of our life
But if this was easy, we’d all be doing it already.
Most of us didn’t grow up with this kind of emotional intelligence. So learning it now—so we can pass it down—isn’t just helpful, it’s necessary.
How I Can Help You
I work with people who want to break the cycle. Who want to lead with calm and teach their kids emotional resilience—without just saying "shake it off" and hoping for the best.
If you’re seeing your kid struggle—meltdowns after losses, perfectionism, tying their worth to their performance—this work will change everything.
It starts with you. With learning how to regulate your emotions, so you can teach them to regulate theirs.
If this resonated with you, let’s talk. I mentor those who want to show up differently—for themselves and for their kids.
Because this isn’t just about hockey. This is about equipping yourself and your kids with the tools they’ll use for the rest of their life.
If this resonated, id love for you to let me know! Have a competitive team that I can help? Let me know!
In the meantime, breathe it in, be deliberate, and please be good to yourself.
Chelsea
The Deliberate One
Want more information, inspiration, activation? Listen to The Deliberate Exchange Podcast!
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