Why don’t we want more for ourselves?
June 7, 2024
Because when I look back at how I was treating myself, there was a total lack of congruence between my actions and how I wanted to feel. Pragmatically, I didn’t WANT to feel like shit - who does?!, but everything I was doing (or not doing) was making me feel that way.
And I know I’m not alone because I spend a lot of time working with women who want to feel better, feel fulfilled, and feel happy. They’re in that sick and tired of being sick and tired mode and they want to learn how to start taking care of themselves in meaningful, effective ways, and like it’s the most important job they have (and it is).
But, there is typically a disconnect between wanting more for ourselves and believing that we deserve more for ourselves. When there’s that kind of disconnect, it’s really hard to make inspired action in the ways that we need to.
My question to you is…
How would it feel if you were one hundred percent, completely proud for how you were showing up for yourself?
Or if you felt pure, unfiltered happiness?
Can you imagine the changes this could bring to your daily life? Would it change how you interact with your loved ones? With strangers? How would it impact how you handle what comes your way?
Identifying the Disconnect
Sometimes we’re not even aware of the disconnect. And so I wanted to highlight how it might show up in your life and relationships. Here are some real-life examples to help you determine if this is how you’re feeling:
Neglecting Self-Care: You might find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own, skipping meals, or not getting enough sleep.
Example: Despite being exhausted, you stay up late to finish work or help someone, or to watch tv, neglecting your own need for rest.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviours: The habits you engage in undermine your success, like procrastination or avoiding opportunities for growth when they’re right in front of you.
Example: You keep postponing a job application for a position you want because you fear rejection.
Negative Self-Talk: You frequently criticize yourself, doubting your abilities and worth.
Example: After making a small mistake, you admonish yourself with thoughts like "I'm so stupid" or "I'll never get it right."
Why Do We Develop This Belief System In The First Place?
Understanding why we develop a belief system that subconsciously tells us we don’t deserve more is crucial to overcoming it. Here are a few reasons:
Past Experiences: Negative experiences, especially in childhood, can shape our self-worth. Criticism, neglect, or unrealistic expectations from parents or authority figures can leave lasting scars. Saying things like ‘‘I’ll never be good enough, so why try’’
Societal Conditioning: Society often equates worth with external achievements, such as wealth, status, or appearance. This can lead us to believe that we are not enough as we are. But we’re actually so much more than those external markers.
Fear of Disappointment: Sometimes, we lower our expectations to avoid the pain of disappointment. If we don't aim high, we won't fall hard—at least, that's what we tell ourselves.
Relating Belief to Worth
This belief system is deeply intertwined with our sense of worth. When we feel unworthy, it affects our actions and choices, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt and unfulfilled potential. It's essential to recognize that our worth is inherent and not dependent on external validation or achievements.
How to Overcome It
Breaking free from this limiting belief system requires conscious effort and practical steps:
Acknowledge and Reflect:
Take a moment to acknowledge the disconnect between your actions and your desire to feel good. Reflect on how this has impacted your life.
Prompt: How would it feel to be one hundred percent proud of yourself? Visualize this feeling and consider the changes it could bring.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs:
Identify and challenge the negative beliefs that make you feel undeserving. Replace them with positive affirmations.
Example: Instead of thinking "I'm not good enough," tell yourself "I am worthy of success and happiness."
Take Inspired Action:
Start with small, consistent actions that align with your desire to feel good. Practice self-care, set boundaries, and pursue activities that bring you joy.
Example: Dedicate time each day to a hobby you love or take a short walk to clear your mind and boost your spirit.
Get Support:
Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift and encourage you. Who have been where you’re at, and can help you get to where you want to go. Consider professional help if needed.
Example: Join a support group, talk to a friend, or find a coach or therapist who can guide you on this journey.
Reflection and Deep Rooted Beliefs
When you start to get curious and ask yourself the questions above, you soon start to break down the old belief systems and build new ones. I also spend time reflecting on my journey (Reflection is a big part of my regular rituals and maintaining a growth mindset), so I can see how far I've come.
Today, I have a deep-rooted belief that I deserve to feel good and pair that with the actions that fulfill that belief.
Embracing this journey is an evolution. It changes how we view and show up for ourselves, interact with others, and handle life's challenges. By acknowledging the disconnect, challenging limiting beliefs, and taking inspired actions, you too can bridge the gap between wanting more and believing you deserve it.
Take the first step today. Reflect on the prompts, challenge your limiting beliefs, and take one small action toward self-fulfillment.
The journey may not be easy, but it is wildly rewarding.
Embrace the process, and soon, you might find yourself experiencing those moments of pure, unfiltered happiness more often.
Breathe it in, be deliberate, and be good to yourself!
Chelsea
aka The Deliberate One
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